65. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

66. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

67. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

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68. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

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69. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

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